I’m sitting here in bed with my heating pad watching Criminal Minds for comfort. Something I’m working on at the moment is showing myself compassion, especially on the more challenging days. Today is one of those days. I woke up with a pain level sitting around an 8/10. Couldn’t even make it to the bathroom right away, so my body had to wait. This is my reality of an endometriosis flare-up. 

This is day ten of being in a flare-up. My flare-ups can last anywhere between sixteen and thirty days without intervention (like breakthrough pain medication), so I have no idea how much longer this is going to last. I’m also supposed to start school in ten days. I’m planning to take three classes per semester this year when I’m used to taking two per semester. I’m trying my best not to stress too much until I’m in it, because I don’t know how my body will respond until the school year officially begins. Distraction is my best friend, and school will offer a distraction. However, if my pain levels are this bad to the point I can’t get out of bed, how will I handle going to school every day (with the exception of weekends)? Especially when you consider that two out of my three classes are scheduled in the morning, and I’m struggling to wake up before noon most days. 

I feel like a disgusting, gross human being because this is now eleven days without a shower. On good days, I’ll shower every few days. And then I tell you that I throw up almost every time I shower. While I was away for a week, the shower room where I was didn’t have a toilet. I wasn’t about to run naked down the hall to make it to a toilet to throw up. And the drains were sealed (to a point) so I wouldn’t be able to throw up into the drain if I absolutely needed to. My hair is a greasy mess. I’m sweaty and gross. And I still can’t force myself into the shower because of the risk of vomiting. This isn’t glamorous. This just plain sucks, and I’m learning to sit with the suck until a solution shows itself. Plus, when your pain level is so high everything causes more pain. Every movement sends shooting pain down my legs, and sometimes up my spine. It will feel (at times) like my entire body is engulfed in flames. It even hurts to breathe, because my third rib and hip collide (thank you, scoliosis). When my pelvic pain is bad enough, it radiates into my hip. Because my ribs and hip (on the left side) touch, the pain then radiates into my ribs and makes breathing extra painful. 

It is now late afternoon; I have finally showered, and this time it didn’t make me throw up (thank goodness!). I have been up for all of three hours, and out of bed for maybe an hour now. I usually try to be out of bed at 1000 hours, and that just has not been happening. My body is too exhausted to even attempt to wake up before noon, and I have meds that need to be taken before 1030 hours otherwise it will affect my ability to go to sleep at night. So I didn’t take it for two days, and I was a dysfunctional mess. My brain fog came back with a vengeance, and I couldn’t even really journal. I was irritable and cranky. So today I forced myself to take it at 1000 hours, and then went back to sleep. It works. 

My life on the challenging days just sucks. And I’m learning how to sit with the suck, at least for a little bit until a solution presents itself to me. Some days, solutions don’t come. Some days, I’m stuck with just the suck. I’m learning to let that be okay, because some moments suck. And it won’t suck forever. There will be glimmers that give me hope for the next day. Those are the things that get me through the rough days. Things like writing, reading a good book, spending time with my boyfriend and family, and Criminal Minds. Distraction will always be my best friend.