This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart after almost losing my life to suicide. I just passed 6 years without an attempt on my life, and that was a feat I never thought I’d live to see. The thing is, when you’re in the thick of depression, anxiety, and nothing seems to be going your way, it’s almost impossible to see the light. I felt that I had nobody in my life who really saw me for who I was (I was so wrong, and depression will lie to you), and the loneliness engulfed me.
I had just “failed” at my first year of university, having been brought home because my eating disorder almost took my life. I would be on medical leave for another three and a half years before I’d return to school, taking a single class. Those years on medical leave were some of the most challenging years I’d ever have, receiving a diagnosis of endometriosis during this time, now having a name for the pain I had experienced for the past five years (at that time). I also found the love of my life in those years. And for a long time, he was the only reason I continued to fight. Then I began to find other reasons that were keeping me tethered to this earth, and slowly I began to heal. I acknowledged the things that were holding me back, and worked on those things in therapy. And at first, therapy was exceedingly difficult and I wasn’t ready to face a lot of my trauma, until I realized my avoidance was holding me back in my journey. I needed to surrender to the process.
I have struggled with eating disorders for my entire life (pretty much), having experienced Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) and anorexia. And yes, despite what the DSM-5 says, you can have ARFID and anorexia at the same time; that’s a conversation for another day, though. Both can be extremely isolating for the individual experiencing it. The more isolated I became, the more depressed I became. Add in the physical pain I was experiencing on top of that, and it was a perfect storm. I started using alcohol and opioids to control the pain, both physical and emotional. It would be four years before I would find any sort of stability. My relationships were in shambles, and I was fighting for a friendship that was tearing me apart. I got sober in 2021, left her in 2022, then officially asked my best friend to be my boyfriend. Things were looking up.
Then came a major health decline as I dealt with the progression of my anorexia, along with the progression of my chronic illness, and I was miserable. I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst at the beginning of the summer, which ruptured near to the end of the summer. Then I had a suspected stomach ulcer shortly after that, so I was in and out of the Emergency Room most of August and September of 2023. Things were not going my way, and even still I hung on, believing better days would come.
Now, while my life is far from perfect, I am living for myself. I am disabled, chronically ill, and I can live a fulfilling life. I can have a quality of life that enables me to live the life I want to live. And when I look back at that girl 6 years ago who felt her world was over, I can hold her hand and tell her she’s so close to thriving. She’s back to school, recovered from anorexia, in sustained remission from substance use disorder (opioids and alcohol) and not only that, but she’s taking three classes! Something I never thought would be possible for me. And while I still struggle with constant pain among other symptoms, they aren’t nearly as debilitating. I am living proof that life does get better, that things will improve.